For The First Time

"I'm in a point where i no longer care of what is happening between us, what will happen in the future for us.

Why do i ever think that im attached to you in a best way that i would never thought of,

thinking that you might be the one who will always wrapped me around your arms,

feel you like you're the person who gave me such a vibrant feeling and comfort me in the most logical and rational way?
Because you just simply don't.",

Says the Brain.

"You exactly know that he is actually do.

You exactly know that he gave you those feelings that you said hes not.

You do care and wonder a lot about what is happening and what will happen for you and him in the future.

You know he will always- ALWAYS, i said, to wrapped you around him and comfort you.

And you exactly know that you're actually in a point of denial for yourself, for the reality, for whats in front of you.",

The Heart replies.

And for the first time, the Heart is simply winning for the most logical reason.

It's The Little Things That You Do To Keep You Safe & Sound

There are moments..

Moments where your thoughts are completely in an order mess.
Moments where you're tired of your complexity life.
Moments where you feel like you can cry every time, any day.
Moments where a tiny distraction, could bug you the whole day, even a week or more.
There are no rooms for you to be left alone,
Because you always want to be surrounded with people that will make you not over think.
You always want to share your anxiety so you don't have to feel it.
You always want people to understand you and cheer you up, every single time.
You feel like you want to do crazy things, making yourself busy or looking stupid, so you don't have moments where you have to be alone and start to think about the feelings you are having.
You don't have any appetite.
You feel like you want to drink coffee the whole time.
You don't feel like you want to do anything at all. Maybe just sleep all day.
You don't want to be awake and facing the reality, the struggle, the moments. Those moments.



But guess what,

Like it or not,
You have to suck it up.
All of those things you don't want to feel and experience.
YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.
You can't run from it at all.
The more you run, the more you push it away.. The longer it will stay.
All of the answers you're looking for is out there.. Somewhere, Somehow.
It may not be looked like an easy answer, but it will solve your riddle.
It will calm your anxiety, before another one comes.

Because the truth, always hurts.
It is how you survived through it that counts.





Feeling,
A

A Motivation For A Fragile Hearts

" I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends.. you still go to bed every night going over detail and wonder or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were THAT happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little piece of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

- Iris (Kate Winslet on The Holiday)

Everyone always meet a breaking point.

A point where you feel trapped in the deepest pit hole, stuck, desperate and devastated.

A point where you think your life is begin to fade away from you.

Dreams, Hopes, Faith were slipped right out your fingertips.

Desperation seems to make you feel that you are no longer useful for your surroundings.

It makes you feel like it is better for you to die.

Every little things seems too big for you, and you just try to breathe, but it felt like whatever you're trying to do is a waste.

For a brief moment, you will looked to the past that you had, thinking of all the happiness you've experienced.

Thinking.. that the life you're living is a never-ending kind of life. Full of Happiness.

And while everyone is moving on with their lives,

You are left behind. Alone.

And you started to think that those people are cruel, and they only used you for their own good.

The people you think that they are your best friends, apparently didn't think the same way like you do.

You are stuck in a frozen momentums, without thinking that life goes on. Each and everyday.

You're caught up.

These kind of moments, usually take different time for each people.

Some experienced this for a short, maybe a week moment.

Some took years to realized.

And I believe, because of God's greatest gift, you are NEVER alone.

He always prepare an Angel to come and pick you up from your hole.

It could be anything or anybody.

A movie, a song, an experience, a story, and a person.

A moment where you see a light that will lift your hopes and dreams all over again.

And what you don't realized is, it is always there, around you.

All you gotta do is close your eyes, visualize, and aim high.

You are as worth as a precious gem.

The most expensive possession of all mankind.

And you need to take charge of your own life.

Do what makes you happy,

with all the people that makes you happy.

Do not ever feel that you are useless.

You live as a function.

To yourself, and to others.

It is true that you will always meet people that will try to harm you and try to bring you down.

It is true that you will always experience many moments that will drag you back to your hole.

But if you're focusing on preparing yourself to fall, you will never get out.

Cover your precious heart with faith, hold on and don't ever let go.

Because only you can do that to yourself, no one else could.

Tell yourself that you are beautiful, regardless what everyone said.

Tell yourself that you are strong, it doesn't matter even if you cry a lot.

Tell yourself that you are happy, and cheer everyone around you while they couldn't be happy.

To live, is to share.

And eventually, you will begin to feel you are more than just worthwhile, but you are whole.

Crawling out,

A 

"To Love, is to be Vulnerable"

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal.
Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements.
Lock it up safe in the casket of coffin of your selfishness.
But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change.
It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

To love, is to be vulnerable."

--C.S. Lewis

At this moment, I am standing at a crossroad, where I have to choose whether I should take risk or not.

I'm a fond believer of True Love; A kind, Patient, Not Envy, Not Pride, Not Self-seeking, Not Easily Anger. That always Protects, always Trusts, always Hopes and always Preserves.

(Corinthians 13:4-8)

until..

those beliefs met reality.

Reality teach me how to think, talk, walk, live and survive.

It makes me tough; how to stay smile in victory in front of my so-called-enemies.

It makes me work hard to achieve what I want.

And each day, the reality start to consume the faith of my true beliefs; the real me.

I've become bitter to the people around me.

I love less.

I hardly trust.

I become selfish.

I'm angry all the time.

One day, I met a person. A guy.

At first, people who talked to him will think that his life is almost perfect.

Everyone likes to hang out with him, likes to talk to him, seek him for wisdom on how to set your feet to the ground to live this life, or maybe to know the secret to his success life.

I got a chance to know him a little better than anyone else.

And all I see, is that, he's hurt.

He's haunted by the past, and hurt.

It is drawn in his bare eyes that he is deeply hurt.

He felt insecure for his own feelings, for his heart, for his love.

He cover himself so badly, he become someone who came on too strong.

And I often cried for him.

I didn't even realized it at first, but I really cried for him.

At some point, getting to know him more each and everyday makes me feel his pain.

I started to feel worry about him, even though I know he take cares of himself better than I do.

I talked and acted carefully, just because I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I mentioned his name in my prayers. In every prayers.

I've learned so many things from him,

but most importantly, there's one thing that he taught me, without him realizing it.

It is to believe in my old beliefs; to Love, again.

I started to care again, to trust again, to hope again.

And to be honest, up into this point, I don't even know, or care if this love that I'm feeling is heading to the right way or wrong way.

I don't even know if it's just me that felt like this, or does he felt the same way.

I'm not 100% sure if I'm okay with me, not knowing the exact situation that is happening to me right now.

But right now, I am just simply glad and grateful to feel this moment where I get to know him who become a little part of me and turning my world upside down, just to become the person I exactly am.

I was hurt, He was hurt.

But without our flaws, we will never meet at this point.

Without our failures, we will never be the person we are right now.

Without our vulnerable little hearts,

I don't think we will ever love like this.

Loving,

A

"And i am in love with you."

Fainted

It is funny to realized that the world is playing games on you.
You just stuck in there and you cant get out.
You're trying to look for answers, to get out of the world's joke.
Once you found it,
They called you're having a selfish thoughts.
You're going towards a goal that's non-existed. And then you break.
They make you believe once you free-falling, so you can get out from the cliff that they made...
Just to push you back in.
To back and forth, falling and climbing.
Falling and climbing.

Falling,

and the heck climbing..

Until you're getting used to it.




And then one day, you found someone that sincere enough to help you get through all those routines.
But then again, you're already TOO scared to believe.
To willingly free-falling again.
To actually trust that person, that they always be there.

And they start to disappear from your life.
And you feel lost.
You missed.
You felt you're almost near them.
You try to reach them, but they no longer care.
You missed all the signs.

And they left.
And you regret.



And you..
Just..
Simply......
Regret.




Look around you.
You will find those person who felt like that, with a fainted smile.

It is the most hurtful smile you ever seen.






Smiling,
A