G A B J

December 24th, 2015 marked the day where a bundle of joy came to my life.
A gift from Lord above for me and you. A blessing that we don't deserve but the Lord says differently.





How i wish you're here, embracing everyday, seeing our little man grow. Alongside with me.





In exactly 10 days marks the day where we first kiss, 2 years ago.
The day where i never realized that you would come further than anyone has ever been in my life.
The day where now i regret of losing.
The day where a good memories become a sad ones.


But fear not.


Our little one is your gift for me. A gift of reminder.
Reminder of how much love you gave to me.
Reminder of how i always believed that we will always find each other.
Reminder of how every day i looked forward to see you.
Reminder of how i used to enjoying sunset next to you.
Reminder of how much i loved you, and still do.



You will always be in my heart, for i always believe we will meet again.






Happy a maybe 2nd anniversary, my luv. my warrior.



Ps. he looks a lot like you :)

Adulthood & Companion

BEING AN ADULT SUCKS

yes, and i have to simply capslockin' that because it is what it is.
it's 2 AM here and i just got a call from an old good pal of mine and she was panicking over some stupid Instagram stalking that she accidently liked, and she's been screaming for the last two hours about it.
Fun call, and we somehow ended up talking about how being an adult sucks.
I come to realized that why adultery habits become unlikely themselves, and turned into more childish acts.
Why?
because they have so much pressures with their duties and responsibilities, and they need a way out to make themselves alive again.
And she brightly answered, "good thing we have good friends"



Hmm....

Good friends....


I instantly responded that i do not have much of "Good Friends".
My definition of a Good Friends is someone you know long enough that both of you know each other very well to the core, until you know how to cheer each other up and down times, or simply acting crazy like no one could.
Yet again, like i have said before, i have less of those.

It is true though,
A good friend is always handy.
They always become a part of your essential core to your life that will keep you steady and ready, an extension family member, perhaps.



Im not gonna blabber much, just one thing,
embrace whoever you have in your life.
Even if its your nemesis.
You have no idea what theyre going through, and as long you always try to be a good friend or as simple as company to anyone you may have meet, good things will come.



Goodnight.

Day 47 out of 365, 2015

It's funny to think that life could be playing with you, and doesn't even care about how do you do.
When i first hit on 2014, i have this big feeling that it is gonna be a year of revelation to me.
Which i did.
It went really high up and down below with all the things that happened on 2014.
And i thought that, okay, now is the year of 2015, it is my time now.
Yet again, i have to give a very big applause to life for making my ride more scarier than before.
I literally cannot stop crying and stay up all night until the sun rises for most days.




Maybe i shouldn't be here.
Maybe this is not my time and place.
Maybe i should die.

Momentum, Pertemanan & Fungsi

Aku pribadi yang mencintai momentum.

Setiap peristiwa yang terjadi dalam hidupku membuatku hidup.

Aku pribadi yang mencintai pertemanan.

Setiap figur yang hadir memberi peran berarti dalam setiap peristiwa.

Kembali teringat masa lalu, dibayangku terdengar sebuah suara,

“Kamu nih ya, selalu lebih milih temen-temen kamu dibandingkan keluarga! Emang mereka pernah kasih makan kamu? Pernah hidupin kamu?”

…

Bertahun-tahun sudah lamanya, namun suara itu tidak pernah hilang.

Kembali teringat masa lalu, dibayangku terlintas beberapa momentum.

Kalau manusia lain dibully manusia,

sedangkan aku dibully kehidupan.

Istilah orang, “Masa Kecil Kurang Bahagia”, sudah menjadi istilah paling praktis dan lengkap untuk mendefinisikan keseluruhannya.

Kalau manusia lain belajar tentang kehidupan dari orang tua,

sedangkan aku belajar melalui kehidupan itu sendiri.

Bertahun-tahun aku mendirikan benteng bagi sisi introvertku,

Dan bentengku aku hiasi dengan segenap sisi extrovert berbagai macam warna.

Kalau manusia lain diposisikan menjadi kambing hitam,

Sedangkan aku didesain menjadi kambing hitam.

Setiap saat aku masuk sebuah lingkaran pertemanan, tiba-tiba kehidupan mereka berubah menjadi telenovela.

Dan disaat aku keluar dari lingkaran itu, mereka mendapatkan akhir kisah indah seperti Rosalinda yang akhirnya dipertemukan lagi dengan Fernando Jose setelah amnesia panjang.

Aku selalu percaya akan teori bahwa manusia hidup sebagai fungsi.

Fungsiku yang selalu hadir disaat seseorang berkeluh-kesah, dan lalu hilang disaat mereka kembali merenggut asa, membuatku menjadi seseorang yang pada akhirnya sering merasa kehilangan.

Aku bermimpi mempunyai satu “rumah” yang bisa kutuju, disaat aku kelelahan menjalankan tugasku sebagai fungsi itu sendiri.

Aku bermimpi mempunyai satu pijakan tetap yang bisa membuatku menjejak bumi tanpa harus merasakan sakit.

Aku bermimpi…

Terus bermimpi…

Bermimpi akan adanya satu hari dimana momentum, pertemanan, dan fungsiku berkolerasi baik, memberi satu harapan baru dimana semua kegelisahanku berubah menjadi kemenangan baru.

4th Of July Kind Of Day (Hint : Not So Much Of A Freedom Speech)

It is always the hardest to accept the fact of the surroundings that you are not used to it.
It always make you feel like you're a stranger.
It always gave you bigger pressure of doing your daily activities.

You thought that even if it's doing something that is completely new,
but you are doing it with friends and people who will support you every time you need it,
you will be perfectly fine.
you can manage yourself to go through it.
everything will become so handy because you will get help all the time.

But the truth is,
even though you are with your most closest person,
and you are dealing with your so-called-"PROBLEM",
you won't be able to tell what you feel and what is wrong with you while you're at it.
They will always said "You can do it" or might offer you help by introducing you to someone who's really good at it, or gave you and example of people that you know who can do it with their own smart way.

It's good that they are trying to help you,
but the uncomfortable feeling you have during your dilemma of struggling through your shit,
or even to share it to anybody, well-known person or even a new stranger,
your mouth are just completely frozen.
you can't arrange the words to tell what you feel or what's your problem.
you can only scream it out loud in random words, or cry.
it makes your body shaken up so bad, you can't even calm yourself down for that particular moment.
you have no more appetite for eating, or even living.



I have no completely idea what is wrong with me.
I know my problem is not as big as everyone else.
I still have a nice shelter to sleep at night,
I always provided with good and healthy food,
I have nice clothes to wear.
But why i can't be just simply accepting and grateful about it.

My mind is always in a mess,
splattered across the place.
I can't seem to get everything in order.
I can't even get myself up in the morning.
I keep wanting to shut them eyes, and sleep all the time so i don't have anytime to think.

I can't maintain my own breath.
My chest hurt so bad.
My brain felt like there's some sharp needles poking it all the time.
And i can't make it stop.

At some point, i feel restless from all those.
And all i can say is just "don't ease the pain, let me feel it. let me fucking feel it."
Don't be pity on me, because i chose to be like this.
I chose to be miserable all the time, as much as i want to be happy too.
I can't help myself and as much as I'm screaming for help, i can't be helped.

Renjana; November 2014

November 2014.

Dalam waktu satu bulan lagi, tahun ini akan kembali berganti,

Menambah umur yang memberi janji tak pasti.

Di pergantian tahun 2013 menuju 2014 kemarin,

Firasatku berintuisi, bahwa 2014 akan menjadi sebuah tahun dimana aku akan menemukan titik balik.

Sebuah tahun revolusi bagi seorang perempuan dengan tiga nama.

Umurku berganti menjadi angka favorit, tepat di tanggal yang sama, ditahun yang juga menjadi angka favorit keduaku.

Aku tahu dan yakin bahwa tahun ini aku akan menjadi pribadi yang utuh dibalik semua abnormalitas hidup yang sudah kujalani.

Namun, dibalik semua itu, aku juga tahu bahwa untuk mencapai itu, aku tidak akan melewati proses yang mudah.

Jalanku panjang dan sakit.

Eranganku semakin hari semakin keras dan liar, seakan maut menyiksa tetapi enggan membawaku pergi.

Mereka menertawakanku dibalik ketidakmampuanku.

Mereka bahagia dengan penderitaanku.

Tulisan ini tidak kubentuk untuk mengeluh, tetapi untuk berbagi.

Tulisan ini datang di satu malam, dimana aku mengunci diri selagi diluar sana terdengar riuh kembang api yang aku pun tidak tahu akan selebrasi apa yang Jakarta sedang lakukan.

November 2014.

Dalam waktu satu bulan lagi, tahun ini akan kembali berganti,

Menambah umur yang memberi janji tak pasti.

Entah mengapa, semakin hari aku semakin bingung akan apa yang ingin kurasa.

Pribadiku tidak tahu ingin menjejak apa.

Performaku tidak menentu ingin melakukan apa.

Tahun ini aku ingin bersyukur.

Dibalik semua yang sudah berdatangan silih berganti dengan kehilangan,

Aku tetap ingin bersyukur.

Aku ingin mensyukuri atas semua tawa yang tersirat.

Aku ingin mensyukuri atas semua sakit yang mengikat.

Aku ingin mensyukuri atas semua ketidakpastian yang menjejak.

Aku ingin mensyukuri atas semua diriku yang hilang, terekam, namun tak pernah mati.

Selamat menjalani hidup, kamu semua yang diluar sana.

Tulus ku berdoa agar angan dan cita-citamu tercapai,

membawa dirimu menjadi sebuah sosok yang satu.

Renjanamu adalah bahagiaku.

01:50 AM - 13 August 2014

Every teardrop she made
become a crystal that hid behind a curtain shade

The moment she knew
She can't help herself to pull all her soul back together

The opsin that keep repeating in her life..
makes her numb


And all she can do,
is pull and a smile,
And tell herself that she is fine.