4th Of July Kind Of Day (Hint : Not So Much Of A Freedom Speech)

It is always the hardest to accept the fact of the surroundings that you are not used to it.
It always make you feel like you're a stranger.
It always gave you bigger pressure of doing your daily activities.

You thought that even if it's doing something that is completely new,
but you are doing it with friends and people who will support you every time you need it,
you will be perfectly fine.
you can manage yourself to go through it.
everything will become so handy because you will get help all the time.

But the truth is,
even though you are with your most closest person,
and you are dealing with your so-called-"PROBLEM",
you won't be able to tell what you feel and what is wrong with you while you're at it.
They will always said "You can do it" or might offer you help by introducing you to someone who's really good at it, or gave you and example of people that you know who can do it with their own smart way.

It's good that they are trying to help you,
but the uncomfortable feeling you have during your dilemma of struggling through your shit,
or even to share it to anybody, well-known person or even a new stranger,
your mouth are just completely frozen.
you can't arrange the words to tell what you feel or what's your problem.
you can only scream it out loud in random words, or cry.
it makes your body shaken up so bad, you can't even calm yourself down for that particular moment.
you have no more appetite for eating, or even living.



I have no completely idea what is wrong with me.
I know my problem is not as big as everyone else.
I still have a nice shelter to sleep at night,
I always provided with good and healthy food,
I have nice clothes to wear.
But why i can't be just simply accepting and grateful about it.

My mind is always in a mess,
splattered across the place.
I can't seem to get everything in order.
I can't even get myself up in the morning.
I keep wanting to shut them eyes, and sleep all the time so i don't have anytime to think.

I can't maintain my own breath.
My chest hurt so bad.
My brain felt like there's some sharp needles poking it all the time.
And i can't make it stop.

At some point, i feel restless from all those.
And all i can say is just "don't ease the pain, let me feel it. let me fucking feel it."
Don't be pity on me, because i chose to be like this.
I chose to be miserable all the time, as much as i want to be happy too.
I can't help myself and as much as I'm screaming for help, i can't be helped.