4th Of July Kind Of Day (Hint : Not So Much Of A Freedom Speech)

It is always the hardest to accept the fact of the surroundings that you are not used to it.
It always make you feel like you're a stranger.
It always gave you bigger pressure of doing your daily activities.

You thought that even if it's doing something that is completely new,
but you are doing it with friends and people who will support you every time you need it,
you will be perfectly fine.
you can manage yourself to go through it.
everything will become so handy because you will get help all the time.

But the truth is,
even though you are with your most closest person,
and you are dealing with your so-called-"PROBLEM",
you won't be able to tell what you feel and what is wrong with you while you're at it.
They will always said "You can do it" or might offer you help by introducing you to someone who's really good at it, or gave you and example of people that you know who can do it with their own smart way.

It's good that they are trying to help you,
but the uncomfortable feeling you have during your dilemma of struggling through your shit,
or even to share it to anybody, well-known person or even a new stranger,
your mouth are just completely frozen.
you can't arrange the words to tell what you feel or what's your problem.
you can only scream it out loud in random words, or cry.
it makes your body shaken up so bad, you can't even calm yourself down for that particular moment.
you have no more appetite for eating, or even living.



I have no completely idea what is wrong with me.
I know my problem is not as big as everyone else.
I still have a nice shelter to sleep at night,
I always provided with good and healthy food,
I have nice clothes to wear.
But why i can't be just simply accepting and grateful about it.

My mind is always in a mess,
splattered across the place.
I can't seem to get everything in order.
I can't even get myself up in the morning.
I keep wanting to shut them eyes, and sleep all the time so i don't have anytime to think.

I can't maintain my own breath.
My chest hurt so bad.
My brain felt like there's some sharp needles poking it all the time.
And i can't make it stop.

At some point, i feel restless from all those.
And all i can say is just "don't ease the pain, let me feel it. let me fucking feel it."
Don't be pity on me, because i chose to be like this.
I chose to be miserable all the time, as much as i want to be happy too.
I can't help myself and as much as I'm screaming for help, i can't be helped.

Renjana; November 2014

November 2014.

Dalam waktu satu bulan lagi, tahun ini akan kembali berganti,

Menambah umur yang memberi janji tak pasti.

Di pergantian tahun 2013 menuju 2014 kemarin,

Firasatku berintuisi, bahwa 2014 akan menjadi sebuah tahun dimana aku akan menemukan titik balik.

Sebuah tahun revolusi bagi seorang perempuan dengan tiga nama.

Umurku berganti menjadi angka favorit, tepat di tanggal yang sama, ditahun yang juga menjadi angka favorit keduaku.

Aku tahu dan yakin bahwa tahun ini aku akan menjadi pribadi yang utuh dibalik semua abnormalitas hidup yang sudah kujalani.

Namun, dibalik semua itu, aku juga tahu bahwa untuk mencapai itu, aku tidak akan melewati proses yang mudah.

Jalanku panjang dan sakit.

Eranganku semakin hari semakin keras dan liar, seakan maut menyiksa tetapi enggan membawaku pergi.

Mereka menertawakanku dibalik ketidakmampuanku.

Mereka bahagia dengan penderitaanku.

Tulisan ini tidak kubentuk untuk mengeluh, tetapi untuk berbagi.

Tulisan ini datang di satu malam, dimana aku mengunci diri selagi diluar sana terdengar riuh kembang api yang aku pun tidak tahu akan selebrasi apa yang Jakarta sedang lakukan.

November 2014.

Dalam waktu satu bulan lagi, tahun ini akan kembali berganti,

Menambah umur yang memberi janji tak pasti.

Entah mengapa, semakin hari aku semakin bingung akan apa yang ingin kurasa.

Pribadiku tidak tahu ingin menjejak apa.

Performaku tidak menentu ingin melakukan apa.

Tahun ini aku ingin bersyukur.

Dibalik semua yang sudah berdatangan silih berganti dengan kehilangan,

Aku tetap ingin bersyukur.

Aku ingin mensyukuri atas semua tawa yang tersirat.

Aku ingin mensyukuri atas semua sakit yang mengikat.

Aku ingin mensyukuri atas semua ketidakpastian yang menjejak.

Aku ingin mensyukuri atas semua diriku yang hilang, terekam, namun tak pernah mati.

Selamat menjalani hidup, kamu semua yang diluar sana.

Tulus ku berdoa agar angan dan cita-citamu tercapai,

membawa dirimu menjadi sebuah sosok yang satu.

Renjanamu adalah bahagiaku.

01:50 AM - 13 August 2014

Every teardrop she made
become a crystal that hid behind a curtain shade

The moment she knew
She can't help herself to pull all her soul back together

The opsin that keep repeating in her life..
makes her numb


And all she can do,
is pull and a smile,
And tell herself that she is fine.

30/07/2014 05:44 AM

There are no more words that i could wrote or speak to describe my feelings right now.
It is all complicated in any kind of ways that ever matter to any mankind.
I tried to simplified it, and it all goes down only in one sentence...


"I miss you and that's all i ever do my entire life."

TM

"I’m in love with her, okay? If you’re looking for the word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want, no matter how much it destroys you, it’s love, and when you love someone, you just, you don’t stop, ever. Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy. Even then. Especially then. You just… you don’t give up! Because if I could give up. if I could just, you know, take the whole world’s advice and move on and find someone else, that wouldn’t be love. That would be, that would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for."  - Ted Mosby - How I Met Your Mother

"If This Ain't Love, Then What Is?"

I Remember

I constantly wonder if i'm on your mind as much you're on mine



I remember how we spent our first time talking all night until you fall asleep next to me

I remember how beautiful the sunset is as we talked and laughed and cried

I remember how you put your alarm before midnight,
and you teased me every five minutes before that just to teased me that it is almost my birthday
then you kissed me on both of my cheeks to greet me Happy Birthday.

I remember how we laughed to the word "Obligation".

I remember how you tried so hard to stop me from walking away and you ended up listening to my childhood stories.

I remember how hard you wanted me to learn from all your mistakes, all your advice and how you constantly remind me to always keep eating just to keep me healthy.

I remember how you don't want me to move from your chair that we sat together while you're busy doing your things and i just hugged you.

I remember when you're on the phone and i fell asleep in your chest.

I remember when i accidentally hit my head on the floor and you can't help yourself from laughed.

I remember when i promised you i will find you when my son or daughter will spent their last 22 on the 22nd before they're turning 23.


But from all those and other moments we spent,
I am completely sure that i will always remember how much you make me found myself in you and completely know that you are the one that i love,
and i will find you again, i will always find you.
And i know you will find me too.....


someday...


somehow...