Momentum, Pertemanan & Fungsi

Aku pribadi yang mencintai momentum.

Setiap peristiwa yang terjadi dalam hidupku membuatku hidup.

Aku pribadi yang mencintai pertemanan.

Setiap figur yang hadir memberi peran berarti dalam setiap peristiwa.

Kembali teringat masa lalu, dibayangku terdengar sebuah suara,

“Kamu nih ya, selalu lebih milih temen-temen kamu dibandingkan keluarga! Emang mereka pernah kasih makan kamu? Pernah hidupin kamu?”

…

Bertahun-tahun sudah lamanya, namun suara itu tidak pernah hilang.

Kembali teringat masa lalu, dibayangku terlintas beberapa momentum.

Kalau manusia lain dibully manusia,

sedangkan aku dibully kehidupan.

Istilah orang, “Masa Kecil Kurang Bahagia”, sudah menjadi istilah paling praktis dan lengkap untuk mendefinisikan keseluruhannya.

Kalau manusia lain belajar tentang kehidupan dari orang tua,

sedangkan aku belajar melalui kehidupan itu sendiri.

Bertahun-tahun aku mendirikan benteng bagi sisi introvertku,

Dan bentengku aku hiasi dengan segenap sisi extrovert berbagai macam warna.

Kalau manusia lain diposisikan menjadi kambing hitam,

Sedangkan aku didesain menjadi kambing hitam.

Setiap saat aku masuk sebuah lingkaran pertemanan, tiba-tiba kehidupan mereka berubah menjadi telenovela.

Dan disaat aku keluar dari lingkaran itu, mereka mendapatkan akhir kisah indah seperti Rosalinda yang akhirnya dipertemukan lagi dengan Fernando Jose setelah amnesia panjang.

Aku selalu percaya akan teori bahwa manusia hidup sebagai fungsi.

Fungsiku yang selalu hadir disaat seseorang berkeluh-kesah, dan lalu hilang disaat mereka kembali merenggut asa, membuatku menjadi seseorang yang pada akhirnya sering merasa kehilangan.

Aku bermimpi mempunyai satu “rumah” yang bisa kutuju, disaat aku kelelahan menjalankan tugasku sebagai fungsi itu sendiri.

Aku bermimpi mempunyai satu pijakan tetap yang bisa membuatku menjejak bumi tanpa harus merasakan sakit.

Aku bermimpi…

Terus bermimpi…

Bermimpi akan adanya satu hari dimana momentum, pertemanan, dan fungsiku berkolerasi baik, memberi satu harapan baru dimana semua kegelisahanku berubah menjadi kemenangan baru.

4th Of July Kind Of Day (Hint : Not So Much Of A Freedom Speech)

It is always the hardest to accept the fact of the surroundings that you are not used to it.
It always make you feel like you're a stranger.
It always gave you bigger pressure of doing your daily activities.

You thought that even if it's doing something that is completely new,
but you are doing it with friends and people who will support you every time you need it,
you will be perfectly fine.
you can manage yourself to go through it.
everything will become so handy because you will get help all the time.

But the truth is,
even though you are with your most closest person,
and you are dealing with your so-called-"PROBLEM",
you won't be able to tell what you feel and what is wrong with you while you're at it.
They will always said "You can do it" or might offer you help by introducing you to someone who's really good at it, or gave you and example of people that you know who can do it with their own smart way.

It's good that they are trying to help you,
but the uncomfortable feeling you have during your dilemma of struggling through your shit,
or even to share it to anybody, well-known person or even a new stranger,
your mouth are just completely frozen.
you can't arrange the words to tell what you feel or what's your problem.
you can only scream it out loud in random words, or cry.
it makes your body shaken up so bad, you can't even calm yourself down for that particular moment.
you have no more appetite for eating, or even living.



I have no completely idea what is wrong with me.
I know my problem is not as big as everyone else.
I still have a nice shelter to sleep at night,
I always provided with good and healthy food,
I have nice clothes to wear.
But why i can't be just simply accepting and grateful about it.

My mind is always in a mess,
splattered across the place.
I can't seem to get everything in order.
I can't even get myself up in the morning.
I keep wanting to shut them eyes, and sleep all the time so i don't have anytime to think.

I can't maintain my own breath.
My chest hurt so bad.
My brain felt like there's some sharp needles poking it all the time.
And i can't make it stop.

At some point, i feel restless from all those.
And all i can say is just "don't ease the pain, let me feel it. let me fucking feel it."
Don't be pity on me, because i chose to be like this.
I chose to be miserable all the time, as much as i want to be happy too.
I can't help myself and as much as I'm screaming for help, i can't be helped.

Renjana; November 2014

November 2014.

Dalam waktu satu bulan lagi, tahun ini akan kembali berganti,

Menambah umur yang memberi janji tak pasti.

Di pergantian tahun 2013 menuju 2014 kemarin,

Firasatku berintuisi, bahwa 2014 akan menjadi sebuah tahun dimana aku akan menemukan titik balik.

Sebuah tahun revolusi bagi seorang perempuan dengan tiga nama.

Umurku berganti menjadi angka favorit, tepat di tanggal yang sama, ditahun yang juga menjadi angka favorit keduaku.

Aku tahu dan yakin bahwa tahun ini aku akan menjadi pribadi yang utuh dibalik semua abnormalitas hidup yang sudah kujalani.

Namun, dibalik semua itu, aku juga tahu bahwa untuk mencapai itu, aku tidak akan melewati proses yang mudah.

Jalanku panjang dan sakit.

Eranganku semakin hari semakin keras dan liar, seakan maut menyiksa tetapi enggan membawaku pergi.

Mereka menertawakanku dibalik ketidakmampuanku.

Mereka bahagia dengan penderitaanku.

Tulisan ini tidak kubentuk untuk mengeluh, tetapi untuk berbagi.

Tulisan ini datang di satu malam, dimana aku mengunci diri selagi diluar sana terdengar riuh kembang api yang aku pun tidak tahu akan selebrasi apa yang Jakarta sedang lakukan.

November 2014.

Dalam waktu satu bulan lagi, tahun ini akan kembali berganti,

Menambah umur yang memberi janji tak pasti.

Entah mengapa, semakin hari aku semakin bingung akan apa yang ingin kurasa.

Pribadiku tidak tahu ingin menjejak apa.

Performaku tidak menentu ingin melakukan apa.

Tahun ini aku ingin bersyukur.

Dibalik semua yang sudah berdatangan silih berganti dengan kehilangan,

Aku tetap ingin bersyukur.

Aku ingin mensyukuri atas semua tawa yang tersirat.

Aku ingin mensyukuri atas semua sakit yang mengikat.

Aku ingin mensyukuri atas semua ketidakpastian yang menjejak.

Aku ingin mensyukuri atas semua diriku yang hilang, terekam, namun tak pernah mati.

Selamat menjalani hidup, kamu semua yang diluar sana.

Tulus ku berdoa agar angan dan cita-citamu tercapai,

membawa dirimu menjadi sebuah sosok yang satu.

Renjanamu adalah bahagiaku.

01:50 AM - 13 August 2014

Every teardrop she made
become a crystal that hid behind a curtain shade

The moment she knew
She can't help herself to pull all her soul back together

The opsin that keep repeating in her life..
makes her numb


And all she can do,
is pull and a smile,
And tell herself that she is fine.

30/07/2014 05:44 AM

There are no more words that i could wrote or speak to describe my feelings right now.
It is all complicated in any kind of ways that ever matter to any mankind.
I tried to simplified it, and it all goes down only in one sentence...


"I miss you and that's all i ever do my entire life."

TM

"I’m in love with her, okay? If you’re looking for the word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want, no matter how much it destroys you, it’s love, and when you love someone, you just, you don’t stop, ever. Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy. Even then. Especially then. You just… you don’t give up! Because if I could give up. if I could just, you know, take the whole world’s advice and move on and find someone else, that wouldn’t be love. That would be, that would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for."  - Ted Mosby - How I Met Your Mother

"If This Ain't Love, Then What Is?"

I Remember

I constantly wonder if i'm on your mind as much you're on mine



I remember how we spent our first time talking all night until you fall asleep next to me

I remember how beautiful the sunset is as we talked and laughed and cried

I remember how you put your alarm before midnight,
and you teased me every five minutes before that just to teased me that it is almost my birthday
then you kissed me on both of my cheeks to greet me Happy Birthday.

I remember how we laughed to the word "Obligation".

I remember how you tried so hard to stop me from walking away and you ended up listening to my childhood stories.

I remember how hard you wanted me to learn from all your mistakes, all your advice and how you constantly remind me to always keep eating just to keep me healthy.

I remember how you don't want me to move from your chair that we sat together while you're busy doing your things and i just hugged you.

I remember when you're on the phone and i fell asleep in your chest.

I remember when i accidentally hit my head on the floor and you can't help yourself from laughed.

I remember when i promised you i will find you when my son or daughter will spent their last 22 on the 22nd before they're turning 23.


But from all those and other moments we spent,
I am completely sure that i will always remember how much you make me found myself in you and completely know that you are the one that i love,
and i will find you again, i will always find you.
And i know you will find me too.....


someday...


somehow...

The Untitled Post

As the time passed by,
day by day,
and the more i'm in love,
i can only get down on my knees,
and then i say..

"I apologize that i can't be a good company and i can't accompany you completely in this life.
I apologize for being so selfish and insensitive to you.
I know that you are gonna be much more happier than you already are now.
With, or without me.
I love you and i hope you feel how i feel for you."








dedicated to my dearest luv, my warrior in all my dreams.
i will see you in the next life.
thank you for all your love to me.

A Simple Reminder For Me and For You

"It's too hard. It's too difficult. It's hard to explain. It's complicated"

The world seems to have so many words to describe how hard your life is.
Problems came all over the place and it become endless.
One down, one to come. And repeated.

I am writing this down, for i also have problems.
Buried burdens, Pain, Heartbreaks, Trauma, and many more.
And i keep saying excuses in my time of troubled.

Problems will always there,
and Problems will stay as Problems, if we chose to see it as one.

I am writing this down to become my own reminder.
I'm a downer, I over think when something expected unexpected things happen to me.
I need a reminder,
that even when when the world gets rough on me and you,
all we have to do is re-read this, and remember..
"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, Says the Lord" 

I'm not trying to be all holy and all that,
I just want all of us to remember how great our life is,
with its ups and downs.
It what gave the life its own colors.
Something to tell about to your kids and grand kids one day, someday.
It what makes your life interesting.

Be grateful and Great will always come at you, even though it is disguised inside a Problems.







Have a blissful life, good peoples.

A

Pinterest Nite

"It would be so easy if Love just stopped when we lose someone,
but it teaches us how much we truly loved the person.
Love never dies,
it just makes the heart hurt because the other half is missing.
And i miss you so much.
Having the urge to call you is not an easy thing to do.
There are times that i need you but i barely cant have you.
And you just don't know.
I remember all the good times and i haven't stopped crying for you.
I never stopped,
because you're still written in the scars on my heart."






Pinteresting,
A

A Piece Of A Dream

‘Cause I’ve lost you somewhere in the land of nowhere

The desert to the unknown

And I know, the fact that it is only temporary,

And I would never feel whole until only God knows when

I can only dream about it,

About the time that held the most magical and happiest momentums

Cold world doesn’t felt that cold anymore

And I can only dream about it.

Lang Leav's

Courtesy of Lang Leav

the world planned us to meet each other, to fall completely back in your arms.

to define what is love for those who have forgotten.

to set back the terms of fighting for what you love.

to defy gravity.

-A

2 Days of Dark Starry Skies

I have no regrets of the feeling that i am having right now,

To love and to be loved by someone that i know and we both fully realized for each other.

Because i know that we have been in love before in our past life
And i have so much faith, that i will see you and fall back in love again with you in the next life.

God knows and design our current lives that we are having at this moment,
that it is just another chapter to found each other,
and gave us a little test to our love.

Do we still gonna be in love even through our surroundings holding us back?
Do we still gonna care for each other?
Do we still gonna keep the faith of loving each other?
Do we still gonna be sincere enough to accept the fact that this is not the right time and will wait for the right time?


Maybe someday, in another time, in another life, you will eventually be mine.......



Completely.

"Tu Me Manques, Mon Amour"

02.13 AM : 030110

Living under your own shadow,
Nobody knows who are you and what are you looking for
Nobody seem to understand u for who u are,
They only see u and use u for their own good
And they manipulated u with bullshits and whatsoever they called it
But somehow I can see it clearly
That ure just an angel that on a mission and strucked down on this earth
Try to live this thing called life, but yet again, I see ur broken wings that kept u here among us
I wanna help u, ive been tryin to, but you seem too scared to reach out ur own heart to care of fixing urself
To go back where u belong,
To finished what ure searching for
Grab my hands and let me wash ur tears away
Let me fix and heal the bleed beneath
Trust me and I surrender my life to help u all the way
Im not perfect, but I kno what im capable with
Im not God, but I know that He send u to come to me
Because one thing u should kno,
That im a Wings
Made by broken things
Falling down to deepest bottom in the same cliff makes me stronger each time
And im sure ill be a good use for an angel that has touch the sky
If we were together, helping each other out, im sure youll fly high
so, will u trust me ?

I L L Y

You're like the smell of fresh brewed coffee in the morning,
Inside a semi-wooden modern kind of house, with a big ass windows.
And the view are all green and fresh,
You can even feel the morning dew on your bare skin from a far.
A little pond gave you a morning theme song with the sound of splashing waters from the dancing koi fishes.

It's the strong vibrant kind of feeling.
It's the reason why i can't stop talking to you overnight, and until the sun come out in the morning.
It's the reason i have a sleepless night, because i can't wait to wake up and open my eyes, and see you again.
It's the reason why i can't talk about you to everyone that i know of.
Because they will never understood.

And i want the world to know about it.
I want the world to know that you're my cup of Illy Coffee.
Just simply because of the letter Illy itself,

I Love Loving You.








Feeling out for a moment,
A

"Yes, You Can"

"That's Life" Coffee Shop is where I am right at this moment i'm writing this blog post.
It is one of my favorite secret hideout to just have a relax time while i still can look out to the window and saw the world as it's passing by.
The coffee shop itself doesn't popped out their whereabouts with a big name sign or such,
they only put a small glass of placard, with small white font on a small white wall, besides the door that it is hidden by the cars that parked in front of the place. Quite a hideout, right?
This is my second time being here.
First time i went and finally get to know this place was years ago. Some of my friends took me here and Voila.
I remember, at that time, i was still under 20 years old, and my friends are older, new friends if i must say at that time. Some group of friends that i know of that is completely a new zone. That was actually the first time i tried to hung out with a new zone of completely new friends. We didn't hung out anymore because they're practically busy.

This place just gave me a flash of feelings and memories.
The kind of feelings and memories about how great it felt to actually start a new things that you absolutely have no idea. A new kind of world.

I've been so scared about starting over, because i keep doing it, and failed. A lot.
And at this point, i am actually terrified to even stepping out of the room, even though i will eventually get bored and went out anyway.
Went out without any kind of protection, people could actually see the real me with their bare eyes.
I am openly vulnerable, and emotional and so unstable.
They could see me that i'm begging for their help, without even considering if they're gonna do me good or bad.


Yesterday,
I've met more of my breaking point.
And i was outside, i can't protect myself.
People noticed my breaking point.
And i cried.......


Hard.



I was complaining to God in my tears.
I keep saying, "Why is this happening to me, Lord? Why again and again? Why me? I can't do this. My head hurts, My heart hurts. I can't stand this. I can't go on."

I was trembling.
Shaking.
I'm out of breath.


Then i heard it.
A voice.


It says, "Yes, You Can!"
It didn't says anything else but that. On repeat.
"Yes, You Can! Yes, You Can! YES, YOU CAN!"

It finally calms me down.



I need to move on with my life.
I know it is gonna be hard.
Maybe harder than now.
And i know i probably won't figure out how for now.
But i just need to do it.

I..
NEED..
TO..
DO..
IT.


And i remembered,
A good friend of mine once told me,

ge (11/24/2008 11:21:34 AM): dulu ge sperti itu, ga usah tanya knpny, tp ge tetep bertahan, harus bertahan, ga slamanya ada di bawah, dan lihat skrg, ge survive, walopun ga ssusai yg di harapkan, tp setidaknya masih bisa untuk nyoba lg, kali ini dgn tekad bulat, pasti bisa, yakinkan itu dalam hati, aku bisa aku bisa harus bisa








Thank You, Lord, for always reminding me that you love me, endlessly.

ps. Thank you, ge. You will always be my candle.




Grateful,
A

04.30 AM

"Funny, Isn't it?
How 3 days somehow felt like forever, but forever doesn't seem to be enough."


and then, it whispered "Good Night".
But it kept you awake, it tingled in your ears.
And as the sun begin to rise,
the words also begin to kiss your eyes.
Your heartbeat starting to beat slowly,
and your mind sang a beautiful lullabies.




I've been in love with moments.
A passion for it.
Even though some of them are killing me and eat my soul out, I wont regret.
And as the day goes by,
the wind felt like whispering me things.
Answers.
Questions.
Thoughts.
Memories.
Moments.
and...

Truths.







Awake,
A

Coffee In An Alleyway

A dark grey sky

One cloudy afternoon

A moment where Castor and Pullox decided to meet each other up.

Not to say Hello or to catch up with each other stories,

But to argue.

A part of you felt like they've torn you apart

And you’re continuously being numb

Your bare skin felt like a carved trees

With too many carvings in it

You begged,

“Please, make it stop. Make it go away!”

And you wished for someone to get you out of it

But no.

You’re alone.

A tear becomes a drug to you

You keep coming back for more

Like there’s no sunshine for tomorrow

And with you being tired, weak and small..

A prayer has been made.

For The First Time

"I'm in a point where i no longer care of what is happening between us, what will happen in the future for us.

Why do i ever think that im attached to you in a best way that i would never thought of,

thinking that you might be the one who will always wrapped me around your arms,

feel you like you're the person who gave me such a vibrant feeling and comfort me in the most logical and rational way?
Because you just simply don't.",

Says the Brain.

"You exactly know that he is actually do.

You exactly know that he gave you those feelings that you said hes not.

You do care and wonder a lot about what is happening and what will happen for you and him in the future.

You know he will always- ALWAYS, i said, to wrapped you around him and comfort you.

And you exactly know that you're actually in a point of denial for yourself, for the reality, for whats in front of you.",

The Heart replies.

And for the first time, the Heart is simply winning for the most logical reason.

It's The Little Things That You Do To Keep You Safe & Sound

There are moments..

Moments where your thoughts are completely in an order mess.
Moments where you're tired of your complexity life.
Moments where you feel like you can cry every time, any day.
Moments where a tiny distraction, could bug you the whole day, even a week or more.
There are no rooms for you to be left alone,
Because you always want to be surrounded with people that will make you not over think.
You always want to share your anxiety so you don't have to feel it.
You always want people to understand you and cheer you up, every single time.
You feel like you want to do crazy things, making yourself busy or looking stupid, so you don't have moments where you have to be alone and start to think about the feelings you are having.
You don't have any appetite.
You feel like you want to drink coffee the whole time.
You don't feel like you want to do anything at all. Maybe just sleep all day.
You don't want to be awake and facing the reality, the struggle, the moments. Those moments.



But guess what,

Like it or not,
You have to suck it up.
All of those things you don't want to feel and experience.
YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.
You can't run from it at all.
The more you run, the more you push it away.. The longer it will stay.
All of the answers you're looking for is out there.. Somewhere, Somehow.
It may not be looked like an easy answer, but it will solve your riddle.
It will calm your anxiety, before another one comes.

Because the truth, always hurts.
It is how you survived through it that counts.





Feeling,
A

A Motivation For A Fragile Hearts

" I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends.. you still go to bed every night going over detail and wonder or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were THAT happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little piece of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

- Iris (Kate Winslet on The Holiday)

Everyone always meet a breaking point.

A point where you feel trapped in the deepest pit hole, stuck, desperate and devastated.

A point where you think your life is begin to fade away from you.

Dreams, Hopes, Faith were slipped right out your fingertips.

Desperation seems to make you feel that you are no longer useful for your surroundings.

It makes you feel like it is better for you to die.

Every little things seems too big for you, and you just try to breathe, but it felt like whatever you're trying to do is a waste.

For a brief moment, you will looked to the past that you had, thinking of all the happiness you've experienced.

Thinking.. that the life you're living is a never-ending kind of life. Full of Happiness.

And while everyone is moving on with their lives,

You are left behind. Alone.

And you started to think that those people are cruel, and they only used you for their own good.

The people you think that they are your best friends, apparently didn't think the same way like you do.

You are stuck in a frozen momentums, without thinking that life goes on. Each and everyday.

You're caught up.

These kind of moments, usually take different time for each people.

Some experienced this for a short, maybe a week moment.

Some took years to realized.

And I believe, because of God's greatest gift, you are NEVER alone.

He always prepare an Angel to come and pick you up from your hole.

It could be anything or anybody.

A movie, a song, an experience, a story, and a person.

A moment where you see a light that will lift your hopes and dreams all over again.

And what you don't realized is, it is always there, around you.

All you gotta do is close your eyes, visualize, and aim high.

You are as worth as a precious gem.

The most expensive possession of all mankind.

And you need to take charge of your own life.

Do what makes you happy,

with all the people that makes you happy.

Do not ever feel that you are useless.

You live as a function.

To yourself, and to others.

It is true that you will always meet people that will try to harm you and try to bring you down.

It is true that you will always experience many moments that will drag you back to your hole.

But if you're focusing on preparing yourself to fall, you will never get out.

Cover your precious heart with faith, hold on and don't ever let go.

Because only you can do that to yourself, no one else could.

Tell yourself that you are beautiful, regardless what everyone said.

Tell yourself that you are strong, it doesn't matter even if you cry a lot.

Tell yourself that you are happy, and cheer everyone around you while they couldn't be happy.

To live, is to share.

And eventually, you will begin to feel you are more than just worthwhile, but you are whole.

Crawling out,

A 

"To Love, is to be Vulnerable"

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal.
Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements.
Lock it up safe in the casket of coffin of your selfishness.
But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change.
It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

To love, is to be vulnerable."

--C.S. Lewis

At this moment, I am standing at a crossroad, where I have to choose whether I should take risk or not.

I'm a fond believer of True Love; A kind, Patient, Not Envy, Not Pride, Not Self-seeking, Not Easily Anger. That always Protects, always Trusts, always Hopes and always Preserves.

(Corinthians 13:4-8)

until..

those beliefs met reality.

Reality teach me how to think, talk, walk, live and survive.

It makes me tough; how to stay smile in victory in front of my so-called-enemies.

It makes me work hard to achieve what I want.

And each day, the reality start to consume the faith of my true beliefs; the real me.

I've become bitter to the people around me.

I love less.

I hardly trust.

I become selfish.

I'm angry all the time.

One day, I met a person. A guy.

At first, people who talked to him will think that his life is almost perfect.

Everyone likes to hang out with him, likes to talk to him, seek him for wisdom on how to set your feet to the ground to live this life, or maybe to know the secret to his success life.

I got a chance to know him a little better than anyone else.

And all I see, is that, he's hurt.

He's haunted by the past, and hurt.

It is drawn in his bare eyes that he is deeply hurt.

He felt insecure for his own feelings, for his heart, for his love.

He cover himself so badly, he become someone who came on too strong.

And I often cried for him.

I didn't even realized it at first, but I really cried for him.

At some point, getting to know him more each and everyday makes me feel his pain.

I started to feel worry about him, even though I know he take cares of himself better than I do.

I talked and acted carefully, just because I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I mentioned his name in my prayers. In every prayers.

I've learned so many things from him,

but most importantly, there's one thing that he taught me, without him realizing it.

It is to believe in my old beliefs; to Love, again.

I started to care again, to trust again, to hope again.

And to be honest, up into this point, I don't even know, or care if this love that I'm feeling is heading to the right way or wrong way.

I don't even know if it's just me that felt like this, or does he felt the same way.

I'm not 100% sure if I'm okay with me, not knowing the exact situation that is happening to me right now.

But right now, I am just simply glad and grateful to feel this moment where I get to know him who become a little part of me and turning my world upside down, just to become the person I exactly am.

I was hurt, He was hurt.

But without our flaws, we will never meet at this point.

Without our failures, we will never be the person we are right now.

Without our vulnerable little hearts,

I don't think we will ever love like this.

Loving,

A

"And i am in love with you."

Fainted

It is funny to realized that the world is playing games on you.
You just stuck in there and you cant get out.
You're trying to look for answers, to get out of the world's joke.
Once you found it,
They called you're having a selfish thoughts.
You're going towards a goal that's non-existed. And then you break.
They make you believe once you free-falling, so you can get out from the cliff that they made...
Just to push you back in.
To back and forth, falling and climbing.
Falling and climbing.

Falling,

and the heck climbing..

Until you're getting used to it.




And then one day, you found someone that sincere enough to help you get through all those routines.
But then again, you're already TOO scared to believe.
To willingly free-falling again.
To actually trust that person, that they always be there.

And they start to disappear from your life.
And you feel lost.
You missed.
You felt you're almost near them.
You try to reach them, but they no longer care.
You missed all the signs.

And they left.
And you regret.



And you..
Just..
Simply......
Regret.




Look around you.
You will find those person who felt like that, with a fainted smile.

It is the most hurtful smile you ever seen.






Smiling,
A